finding a contractor or architect

Why does it intimidate the hell out of me to call a contractor or architect? I can't do it! I don't know what to say and I'm anxious and feel like an idiot! I hate talking to people about something I don't know anything about. I need a design--plans before we can go to the bank and ask for a loan to remodel our home rather than sell part of our land and build too close to the former view and homeplace that is perfect! I am literally freaked about making just the initial phone calls. I need a script!
I think I'm freaked because we don't actually have the money for the remodel. Does that make sense? I mean I'm gonna call these people and ask them to make a plan, estimate the cost and then tell them "well, I'll let you know!" I feel ridiculous being so nervous. Anybody got suggestions of who to call? Who's the best? I'm staring at the yellowpages now. Considerably your freakedout friend...

GULF COAST VACATION

My family and I began planning our beach vacation in January this year. We found our destination, booked our condo and saved spending money for six months. When the oil spill happened we waited patiently believing things would clear up. May 19 was our last day to back out, but still naive, we believed things would be okay. We continued on with plans. We arrived on Saturday evening with beautiful beaches. They weren't spotless, but nice. Sunday, our first full day at the beach was wonderful. The oil was spotty, but the water was clear and beautiful. The days rolled on and the oil became more present. Yesterday, the oil made land in a big way. Not just a little bit here and there, but in huge globs. In the ocean the oil looks like blood. My aunt said it looked like Jaws hit a cruise ship. As the oil hit the beach it turned black. Like someone poured motor oil all over white beautiful beaches! Obviously the waters were closed and the cleaning crews moved in to begin cleaning and containing what they could.
Seeing the oil impact the scenery here was very sad and a let down to the belief that America can do anything. This isn't a natural disaster and America not being able to stop this has put a damper on trust in this country that I've lived and believed in my whole life. We are no longer a nation that takes of its own. We are like all the rest. Lazy and only taking care of what we are told we have to. Obviously my confidence in my people, neighbors and government is shattered through this incident that is ruining an entire economy, livelihood and ecosystem!

vacation

We have officially began a seven day, sun filled vacation. I drove straight through for 10 hours and stopped 4 times. My husband was perfectly capable and willing to drive, but I liked the action and concentration of the driving to keep my mind occupied. I don't want to think about everything that could be, should be, but ain't. I am still so sad and misunderstanding of incidents of this world. Why some things happen and the grief people must still be feeling and my family and I having everything so well....blessing? luck? God is watching over us. Is that to say that he's not watching over others? I tear up and ache every time I think about her. So close to home...too close. Even now in this beautiful setting, with the white sands, blue water, smells of sea, sun, and tanning oil, I can't get Albert Pike tragedy out of my mind.

Oil Spill

The oil spill on the Gulf Coast is truly affecting my vacation. I understand that freak accidents happen, but I just can't understand why some of the smartest people in the world can't figure out how to stop a leak! Maybe they're not the smartest people in the world after all. Is this the beginning of American Education at work? Will we begin to see and feel the turning of our nation with one event or several in a row? It's scarey to think that a nation could fall because education of its people is not the most important thing, but it's even scarier to live it.

Albert Pike tragedy

The most horrific natural disater happened at the Albert Pike campgrounds in Langley, AR today. I don't personally know anyone affected by the event but have hurt so much today for the pain they are feeling. The tragic incident tore so many families apart by death. My mind can't seem to wrap itself around the horror that the mothers and fathers went through during the wretched flooding and what they are feeling now with the many losses. I live about 70 miles from this place, but spent my childhod summer vacations at a place called Shady Lake on the other side of this same mountain. I am almost 30 and it would have never occured to me to leave because it was raining. Arkansas weather is iratic. It might rain for 2-3 hours but come morning it's hot as a timber fire in your face and beautiful. It's likely muggy with so much moisture in the air you feel like your drinking in the air instead of breathing. The rain washes all the dust off the leaves and everything is green around you. I have heard some people ask why these people weren't warned but that isn't possible in such an area. There might be two park rangers on duty but at 3:00 am they are asleep too! No, there wasn't any way to warn the campers that they were in grave danger. Many of the campers were probably lifers(people that had camped there for years) and probably wouldn't have left the area even had they heard the warning. They would have waited until they saw they were going to impacted and by then it would have been too late to get safety for some. I know that community members and rescue workers are holding a candlelight vigil for the lost and broken hearted campers. Here's my prayer. Please God help these families during this time. Heal and mend their broken hearts. Amen.

Seriously, I haven't done anything this summer but sleep long hours, read some great books and watch re-runs on TNT. I need to get something done! I did buy a new laptop, however I haven't done much else. We leave for vacation a week from tomorrow and I know that next week is going to be a busy week. I wonder what else this summer holds in store for me? I guess whatever I make of it. I do that...answer my questions. So I do have a great quote from a recent book I read. The book is The Windmill by Stephanie Gertler. It's an older book, published in 2004, but it has great insight into looking at ones self. I love books that make you want to reflect on yourself and the life you have lived.

It's a strange thing about losing a husband. You remain defined as a daughter, a sister, a mother and a friend when they who give you the definitions are gone. But when you lose a husband, you are no longer a wife. In the blink of an eye you become a widow. A fragment left dangling, undefined and alone.

Granted I haven't lost a husband, but the quote itself is so true . What happens to a woman when she loses her other half?